We have all been there: trying to comfort an upset child, or maybe, even trying to reason with a child who is very angry. Have you ever been curious about what’s actually going on in that child’s brain when they are inconsolable? Do you wonder why logic and reasoning don’t work? Check out parenting guru Carrie Contey’s informative (and fun) videos on the brain!
Triune Brain Part 1
Triune Brain Part 2
And, here is a printable sheet illustrating the 3 brains Carrie so wonderfully illustrates.
I had a baby in May of 2017. Though we are lucky in that she has a generally peaceful temperament, she definitely has moments, as we all do, where she is in the reptilian and limbic brains.
To me, it seems like it’s easiest to see the different brains the younger a person is–so it’s especially apparent to me in a baby. Ella makes it sometimes painfully obvious that she is in her reptilian brain. After receiving a vaccination, she goes from her neocortex straight to the reptilian fight or flight mode. Or worse, the occasions where there is no real “inciting incident” for her to suddenly leave her neocortex. In other words, she’s fed, rested, clean diaper, the temperature is moderate and all is good, but some sort of switch turns and rocks her world for a bit.
In these moments, when it seems that everything should be groovy but for some reason isn’t, it seems instinctual to get quiet, hold her close and try some rhythmic movements and maybe try singing a soothing song. As Carrie says, maybe stop and get low and slow.
But, I’m certain, as Ella gets older, she isn’t going to always want to be rocked and the songs will stop appealing to her. And, even as she is able to vocalize her feelings, there may or may not always be an explanation–maybe she’s not even aware of the reason she is upset. Sometimes, I’ve seen kids and even Ella at this point, become so tired that he or she is unable to cope with anything–my goodness, come to think of it, I’ve seen myself reach that point more times than I care to admit!
At these points, often, no amount of wisdom or reason or logic can help the person rise above our animal brain. Sometimes, even the most tried and true and genuinely delivered comfort measures can’t even make a dent in the feelings of upset or anger. And, I think Carrie really illustrates in such great ways why this is and what we can do–which is wait.
It’s almost like waiting out the storm. During a hurricane, you can go out and battle the wind and rain and not see any sort of change in the weather. Sometimes, you just have to find a safe, warm and dry spot and wait until the storm passes. I think Carrie shows that this is the same case with these big feelings.
When your child is in this state of mind, let it be. Further instill the knowledge that they are safe and respected and you are there for them while they go through these feelings. For some kids, this means providing them with space to be alone. For other kids, they may want to be held closely. Just be there with them, until the storm passes. Then, after the clouds part and the sun can shine through, you can help them rebuild from there–perhaps, they will even grow and learn from that experience.